Loving An Alcoholic

As I am writing this, it is 5am and my best friend along with her sister have just left with Monster . They drove forty minutes to come pick him up after talking me down and convincing me that I was doing the right thing. I got in my car at 4am in tears to drive back to my apartment where they met up with me.

For as long as I can remember, my mom has drank. Every memory I have of my mother has her holding a beer or a glass of whiskey. My mom was a partier. She drank and she was fun. My mom bought me alcohol and let me drink from the age of 14. My mom was so awesome she would buy me drinks at the bar at age 16. This is what I told people. This is what I told myself. 

My mother is a high-functioning alcoholic. 

Until tonight, I have never admitted it. I kept my friends in the dark. I made excuses. I lied. My mother's drinking has effected me in ways that I cannot begin to explain. But tonight broke me.

I am a true single mom. I have no contact with the father of my child. I don't know where he lives, what is phone number is or where he works. Besides the occasional check in the mail, I do not receive support from him. I have lived on my own since I was 18 years old and at 23 I take care of Monster on my own while attending college full time and waitressing. That puts a great deal stress on me to find caregivers for my child. As a result, I rely on my mother. 

My mother loves my son and me. I know that. But my mom has a problem, though she refuses to admit that. Because I work early in the mornings on Saturday, I stay overnight with my son so I don't have to transport him in the dead of night. I am usually up by 5:30am and out the door before 6am. My mom told me she was going out tonight and I knew she would drink like she always does. At 2:30am (3 hours before I needed to get up for work), my mom had not returned home. 

After a disappointing and heart breaking phone call- I contacted my best friend and finally told her what I thought could be ignored. I poured my heart out to her about my mother's drinking problem. I told her about the memory loss and mood swings. I told her about the failure to keep promises or remember plans. I told her about how my mom drags my son out to bars or thinks its funny when he gets ahold of her beer and takes a swig. I told her about the pain and shame and fear. 

Then at 3:50am when my mom had still not even begun to head home or stop drinking... I left with my son. 

Loving an alcoholic is one of the most devastating experiences I can imagine. Because drinking is so socially acceptable, they are able to blow off the notion of having an issue even when it tears apart their loved ones.

If you too are dealing with a loved one who has an addiction, please know that I share your pain. You are not alone. Please don't shut down or blame yourself. Don't hide away. It's not okay. They are hurting you and they are hurting themselves. It is on them, not you. It's okay to ask for help, to reach out, to say enough is enough. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved.  

21st Century and Our Kids

Let's face it- times have changed. Our ways of parenting and lifestyles are not what they were even forty years ago. The dramatic and rapid increase in technological advances, the change from single income to duel income households and increasingly lacking education system just have not caught up to how be balance our families.

Before we go further, allow me to make a few things clear to dissuade you from immediately screaming bias at the top of your lungs. I love technology. I am always connected to my cellphone and literally would feel like I was missing an arm without it. I am an avid user of both my IPad and laptop. I do not in any way, shape or form have anything against technology itself. Rock on, technology. I am  180% for equal rights in the work place for both men and women. I work outside of the home and do not believe women should forgo a career. Also, I was originally an English teacher major when I entered college and to this day have many close relationships with those in the field of education.

Now that all that has been cleared up, let's get down to business. Technology has accelerated to a point that humanity has just not been able to keep up. It has come to the point that we simply cannot cope without technology. Don't believe me? As a cashier to give you change without looking at her fancy computer register. Oh, the panic in their eyes! Everything in our lives runs on some form of technology- our phones, cars, electric grids, water systems, our televisions, our game counsels.

Literally, what would you do with yourself if you were not allowed to touch anything that had been made in the last ten years. Every year, something better and more advanced is being created. We never have to wait for a thing because we are always connected. It's instant gratification at its finest.

You want to watch a movie? It takes seconds to upload Hulu or Youtube and find exactly what you want. Can't find it in the store? Hello, Ebay and Amazon. Don't know the answer? Google it. Have a cough? WebMD (it's cancer, just saying).

Our children are being raised in this environment. Every parent knows that they are damn good at adapting to it. For example, Monster has just ran over from where he was watching Netflix on my IPad to come tell me I need to download a new paint game. It took him less than two minutes to figure out how to change the colors and use the stamp features.

It's insane the amount of knowledge even small children pick up on using our current tools. They have adapted. The problem is that it has also made it to the point that they expect things instantly because technology has taught them so. Instant gratification in the hands of a two or three year old? Why are we surprised that children at the age of five and ten are so bossy and technologically savvy  Because technology will give them whatever they want. Whether its good for them or not.

A hundred years ago, someone was always home raising the children. Whether it be a mother, a nanny, a wet nurse or a governess, someone close to the child was always there guiding and teaching. I am not saying that the old ways were the right way. I am also not trying to claim that our way is wrong, but now days it is generally accepted that both parents work outside the home to provide for the family at large. It can actually be difficult for some families to make ends meet even with duel incomes and can be completely unfeasible that someone stay home with the kids.

This usually puts the children into the care of daycares, after school programs, youth clubs, other relatives or babysitters. The point is: we are so busy making money to support our families that we are not raising our families. Parents can get so wrapped up in their own little careers that they can forget their most important job: being a parent!

When you work ten hours a day, it is completely understandable to come home and just have no energy for your children. You are only human. It's difficult to be involved when you have no time to. We lose out on some much by not being their to parent our children. They don't learn from us, but then when something goes wrong later on down the road we just can't believe how this would happen.

Didn't we raise them better? The answer is no. No, we did not. BECAUSE WE WEREN'T THERE.

We all can agree that teachers need to be paid higher and also be held to a higher standard. Think about it, our children spend around eight hours a day with these individuals. They are suppose to educate our future. Think about what a brat your kid can be. If you think your kid can't be a brat- get out now. Seriously. Now times how bratty your kid can be by thirty. You would die if you had to deal with that every day. But guess what? These amazing people do.

Not only that, they get paid shit wages and never have enough supplies because the board is always spending it on sports or padding their own wallets so they have to pay out of pocket for nearly all their classroom needs. Schools don't have funding. Teachers aren't being paid. Guess who's really suffering? That's right. Our kids.

The United States' K-12 education was ranked 31st out of 141 countries. We claim to be the brightest and strongest nation on the Earth, yet our education system doesn't even rank in the top 20% of the first and second world countries. How's that for some red, white and blue?

-Vodka Mommy