Loving An Alcoholic

As I am writing this, it is 5am and my best friend along with her sister have just left with Monster . They drove forty minutes to come pick him up after talking me down and convincing me that I was doing the right thing. I got in my car at 4am in tears to drive back to my apartment where they met up with me.

For as long as I can remember, my mom has drank. Every memory I have of my mother has her holding a beer or a glass of whiskey. My mom was a partier. She drank and she was fun. My mom bought me alcohol and let me drink from the age of 14. My mom was so awesome she would buy me drinks at the bar at age 16. This is what I told people. This is what I told myself. 

My mother is a high-functioning alcoholic. 

Until tonight, I have never admitted it. I kept my friends in the dark. I made excuses. I lied. My mother's drinking has effected me in ways that I cannot begin to explain. But tonight broke me.

I am a true single mom. I have no contact with the father of my child. I don't know where he lives, what is phone number is or where he works. Besides the occasional check in the mail, I do not receive support from him. I have lived on my own since I was 18 years old and at 23 I take care of Monster on my own while attending college full time and waitressing. That puts a great deal stress on me to find caregivers for my child. As a result, I rely on my mother. 

My mother loves my son and me. I know that. But my mom has a problem, though she refuses to admit that. Because I work early in the mornings on Saturday, I stay overnight with my son so I don't have to transport him in the dead of night. I am usually up by 5:30am and out the door before 6am. My mom told me she was going out tonight and I knew she would drink like she always does. At 2:30am (3 hours before I needed to get up for work), my mom had not returned home. 

After a disappointing and heart breaking phone call- I contacted my best friend and finally told her what I thought could be ignored. I poured my heart out to her about my mother's drinking problem. I told her about the memory loss and mood swings. I told her about the failure to keep promises or remember plans. I told her about how my mom drags my son out to bars or thinks its funny when he gets ahold of her beer and takes a swig. I told her about the pain and shame and fear. 

Then at 3:50am when my mom had still not even begun to head home or stop drinking... I left with my son. 

Loving an alcoholic is one of the most devastating experiences I can imagine. Because drinking is so socially acceptable, they are able to blow off the notion of having an issue even when it tears apart their loved ones.

If you too are dealing with a loved one who has an addiction, please know that I share your pain. You are not alone. Please don't shut down or blame yourself. Don't hide away. It's not okay. They are hurting you and they are hurting themselves. It is on them, not you. It's okay to ask for help, to reach out, to say enough is enough. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved.